David Cameron walked quickly towards his office, holding in his hand a brand new briefcase, with a look of anger on his hammy face. It was time for the Cabinet to decide on a most thorny issue; whether or not the constitution required a minister for Fun and Games to lighten relationships within the coalition. He kicked open the door, and was surprised to see everyone in their chairs with streamers tied to them and their eyes closed, in sleep.

  David stepped lightly into the room, staring around in surprise. He walked over to Nick who had his mouth open and gently shook his shoulder to wake him up. "Nick," he whispered, "Wake up you daft sod. What on earth have you been up to?" Nick stared at him with sleepy eyes and yawned. "We had a party and you interrupted the game of sleeping lions. Though, actually, it seems we all slept for real. What do you want, David?" Nick yawned again and sat up, wiping jelly and icecream off of his stubbly chin.

  David just stared at him in exasperation. He was used to the Lib Dems corrupting his party, but never like this. He sighed heavily, wanting to go back home and pretend he'd made a coalition on a bet with his Chancellor, George Osborne, who was currently snoring loudly, his hair rumpled and covered in chocolate. George was well renowned for his love of chocolate coins. David wondered how many coins George had put into the pirate style treasure chest. "Arr!" said Vince Cable, who was swashbuckling like nobody's business. Unfortunately, his balance was off, due to standing on one leg, he fell onto the table and woke George up! George awoke with a snort, and flailed his arms around comically.

  "What's happened?' he shouted, jumping up in fright and hitting Danny Alexander in the shin, which caused more commotion as Danny awoke, gaping like a big fish. David watched in disapproval, tutting at all the mess in his office - HIS OFFICE. Nick looked up and caught sight of David's scowl, so he started scarbbling around, finding bits and pieces of confetti stuck to glasses of fizzy pop and pink wafers (one of which he picked from a Duchy Originals® box. He ate it before carrying David away to the secret Rose Garden, where he knew there were fluffy, fond memories of their first press conference which would calm David). The rest of the Cabinet baulked at the punctuation, due to hippyjolteon's bracket misplacement. But they decided to forgive her, because at least they didn't have spelling mistakes like ClintonCleggy did.

  "What's this meta?" said Boris.

  Everyone ignored him. Boris always inserts himself into the story like a typical Tory, as they'd discovered the last time he appeared during the awful disco dancing birthday party doing the pointy dance like never seen before on Earth! Nick, in the garden, remembered that he was supposed to be writing a speech about the right to freedom , fun and games and party madness, but decided instead to loosen his tie, exhibit a few freedoms of his own. He got up and started to sing, but he did not realise that he was tone deaf. David wondered how on earth it could still be so attractive, and wrung his hands, hoping Nick wouldn't notice the ARMY OF NINJA WARRIORS descending from the heavens like really badass snowflakes. Luckily, Nick was comfortable in snowy ninja adventures, because he was such a BAMF and everyone in the cabinet was trained to deal with surprise ninja attacks. As a pirate, Vince was enraged, and came running out to the rose garden using the ancient art of acrobatics and ballet.

  Fiscal acrobatics and ballet.

  VInce lunged at the lead ninja with a courageous heart, and his economic sword outstretched but once again fell over because GIds had tied his shoelaces together. Suddenly, a shark -yes a shark- appeared and shouted, 'Order, order!' It was BERCOWSHARKTRON. Bercowsharktron was the almighty ruler of the oceans of deficit along with his trusty handler SALLYDOLPHINTRON. Sallydolphintron, protector of unicorns, led an army of brightly coloured Frank Sinatra impersonators towards the members of the ninja and pirate clans.

  It was a dance off. Disco lights flashed. Thunder crashed. Lady Gaga played. George suddenly ran outside, his favourite song was on! "It's ma jaaaaam!" he said. "BOYS BOYS BOYS", he wailed, smiling ecstatically and waving his hands in the air, like a mad man. He just didn't care. Interrupting George's funky bumps and grinds was a mistake, as everyone knew he would unleash CUTS.

  "Don't step to me, Clegg," Nick looked confused at George, but kept boogieing with David anyway, moving closer, and closer.... until , without any warning, he suddenly busted the funkiest move ever. Which was impressive, for a Tory! Even for a pretty Tory. WIth nice wrists. And fluffy hair. And terrible policies. And a hidden manifesto. About Nick Clegg.

  But what Nick didn't know that more was to come in his direction from David 's secret little places in the Rose Garden , between the thorns. where he kept Beyonce CDs. His favourite song was by Vera Lynn. But the Beyonce CD was carefully hidden so he wouldn't accidentally lose it in the disco dance off . However he still had a secret Tory weapon in the form of... the television personality who was currently waiting for David to deploy him. Unfortuantely, David was busy with Nick, dancing away to "Dance the Night Away" by Van Halen! For David this was a rare and exquisite treat because nobody would usually be able to keep up with his funky Tory moves without vomiting. Suddenly he busted out the most Thatcherite move he could, "The candle snuffer".

  Nick looked disgusted.

  "That is inappropriate, David, this is a coalition, not a strip join! I suggest you do something else." Nick busted a super Liberal running man as everyone watched in Tory awe and jealousy.

  Boris appeared again, looking like a hay stack, or a light bulb. He screeched at the top of his lungs. "What Ho PEASANTS!" Theresa May looked scandalised but then she always did. Boris joined the dance-off with bells on his ankles and a pretty blue hanky in his hand. He waved it around as if it were a dirty leftie. Suddenly there were shrieks of ecstasy and surprise as the BONE materialised in a cloud of glitter and smoke with a gaze terrifying and literally BONE-chilling. It was at this very moment that Gids, who was still slightly drunk, straightened his tie combed his hair and then quickly shoved a helmet on so that everyone in the vacinity backed away slowly. Peter Bone, though, took a step forward and said, "I demand that you take that off and wear this instead."

  He held out a larger helmet with daisies on, and pink glitter. George looked touched, a tear rolled down his chubby cheeks and he looked around as everyone cheered. Everyboy loved his new look and vowed to get shorts in his honour. Nick was already stripping to his boxers in celebration, and David followed suit. Luckily for everybody the boxers were very fetching and they all stared in envy at the floral print. Be=pantsed, the coalition Caramelldansened. And all was well.

  But suddenly the Queen appeared! She looked fierce and angry! "YOU CALL THIS A PARTY?" She roared. "I'll show you a fekkin party!"

  The coalition collectively cowered. The Queen grabbed a cider, downing it in one. She cranked the volume up on the stereo, calling for and played some choons from the nineties.

  "One loves Vanilla Ice! I love to boogie to his beats, and those by Queen, of course". Everyone tittered appreciatively.

  Nick and Dave looked aghast as she lobbed her crown across the Rose Garden as it shattered into pieces on the grass. "We are not amused." Said Gids.

  One by one, off came Gids' tie, his shirt and his trousers as he stripped bare in the rose garden, leaving nothing but his helmet and suspenders in place. His pink bunny slippers remained. His boxers didn't. His bare skin sparkled suspiciously like Edward Cullen's as he asked "do I dazzle you mofos?"

  The Queen started to do a double-take as she pulled out a wooden stake but Nick dived in front with another stake, feeling strangely aroused, as the Buffy theme tune and proceeded to pound hard and fast into Gids' chest. Turning ashen, Dave cried tears of blue salt as George fell to the ground, his head bouncing merrily on the grass.

  But George was not dead! Wasn't he? No. His head blinked like a fairy light and he pinged to his feet with glee, squeling, " "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Vince Cable looked most Bercowsharktron screamed "that's my line!"

  "QUIET!" yelled the Queen, "I will have none of this. I have a quest to propose to you all. I want you to find THE GOLDEN BONE. No, not that one." Gideon looked dissapointed as he glanced towards BONE. He leered happily as it was just within the limits of his brain capacity to associate BONE with gold and possibly chocolate coins. He licked his lips hungrily and proceeded to die again, as vampires' true weakness is desire for coins. BONE looked sad and resurrected Gids again. Gids face was blissful as he now knew that the BONE loved him.

  "Onwards to the quest!" shouted Nick and Dave who were holding hands and walking up a hill. The clabinet fell into step , skipping merrily along and singing 'We're on a coalition quest', with BERCOWSHARKTRON bringing up the rear [;)] and SALLYDOLPHINTRON singing along, too.

  Soon they found a dark cave in which many sparkly gems and Zubat appeared.

  "Are those Pokemon?" Dave asked.

  "you betcha! "Thatcher, I choose you!" Margaret Thatcher took the form of a milk bottle Dave looked mildly suprised and said "that is not your best look" but poké!Thatcher breathed fire at Nick so Dave leapt to give his life for his lover. Luckily, poke!Thatcher realised that Dave was her mate so left Nick alone. Nick fumed slightly from the flames but quickly cooled. "We need a parachute (baby if I've got you) ," he sang in Dave's face. Dave smiled, remembering good times then realized he'd sung their SECRET SONG which would activate a secret trapdoor in the cave, thus enabling the return of Lady Gaga avec make up kit to perform Boys Boys Boys before procreating with herself to form a new SUPER- ZUBAT.

  Nick his behind his manly protector and whispered, "What's happening to this quest?"

  "We seem to have got ourselves in a rather compromising position," , Dave answered. George cheered. "That's what she said," he roared, wiggling his hips. "Quiet you", said Nick. "We seem to have aquired company. " And sure enough, they saw a crowd of journalists snapping away happily and headed by Nick Robinson. Nick clung tighter as Kuenssberg leered . "Pokeball, go!" Kuenssberg said, catching Nick.

  "Prime Minister, is it true you'd do anything for love, but you won't do that?"

  This confused everybody.

  "Whatever do you mean? Dave furrowed his brow "We're on a very important mission for the Golden Bone. It's a Coalition Quest for the Queen! She won't be happy if you catch them all!" The reporters huffed. The Golden Bone was a most sacred pokemon, with gleaming , golden ties and a powerful Thunder attack! Sirs, this was one dangerous mofo.

  Now, WILL YOU JOIN US?"

  NIck Robinson jumped forward and brandished his notepad. It had special, Pokémon-seeking powers as well as the ability to provide x-ray vision- and slash goggles. It was so awesome George fainted but luckily he was still conscious enough to steal it. Dave grabbed the nick pokeball and ran for his life. In one fell swoop , Gordon Brown descended from the roof of the Machine that made all the ice-cream for the Golden Bone. Screams filled the air as the Golden Bone entered the rose garden and made a great big mess , demolishing the cupcake tower and all the ice-cream in David's precious collection. Still he was not satisfied with these noms, and hovered , eyeing their delicious brains.

  "Weren't we in a cave?"

  "Who cares?"

  That was when Nick escaped He flew in bird form above the screaming masses and chucked sweets to the GOLDEN BONE before catching it. He landed expertly in a rose bush plucking one and strolled over to his lover with the Pokémon in hand. Dave was so amazed that he loosened his tie and through himself at Nick. The Queen appreciated this. "One certainly approves!" she said. She took pictures. But they were too occupied to care. In the throes of passion Dave pressed Nick onto the muddy grass, making his tie muddy. "Dirty boy," he said. Nick giggled and bit his lips, making Dave blush crimson.

  But George couldn't take it anymore. He lunged at the pair of them ripping through the fabric of spacetime. They were in the VICTORIAN AGE FFS! The Queen was nonplussed. Though she was slightly upset that she wasn't Queen now.

  Nevertheless, the Golden Bone was gone. FOREVER.

  "Bollocks to this rubbish !" Cried George, changed into Victorian clothes to make him look fancy. He had a cravat, which wasn't blue , much to everyone's horror. David broke into tears.

  "What are we meant to do?" He wept whilst being held in Nick's strong arms. "I want to go back to a time when I'm Prime Minister."

  "I know sweetie" said the Queen, "But we must keep a stiff upper lip!" All of the Coalition were determined to strive into a local pub and make a plan.

  In the pub were Burnham and Balls in full dandy regalia. This was not an unusual sight in Victorian England. "BUT WHY ARE YOU HERE!? " they screeched embarrassed to have been found together and time-travelling.

  "Erm... Well... Uhm... Have found a secret passage in the fabric of the space-time continuum, so we've decided to make ourselves a governement of our own. All in favour, say I!"

  "Aayyyyye!"

  "This calls for a celebration! " Balls said. David didn't hesitate in cracking open the champagne, although secretly he was still suspicious of those eyelashes and thought he should be at home, congratulatiing himself for not wearing mascara despite his boyfriend wanting him to.

  That was when Nick took advantage of the event and decided to take Dave next door where Balls and Burnham could'nt disturb their passion.

  "Nick, there is something I want to do confess," Dave whispered once they were next door.

  "What is it David? You can tell me everything."

  "I'm a little jealous".

  "Of what?"

  "Of your delightful underwear."

  "Thanks they're by topshop , sexy huh?" Nick said," Do you want to feel the fabric? "

  "Ooh, that would be lovely ," David replied eagerly and reached out to slip his hand around the spare tire that Nick had provided for the occasion , he needed the support and also knew David love a bit of extra bounce. They were about to get it on when suddenly the Queen reappeared out of nowhere and took hold of Dave's hips "let's conga everybody!" she shouted. Nick and David were reluctant and surprised by the Queen's mighty tough.

  Suddenly, SURPRISE ERIC PICKLES appeared. There was screaming , tears and blood. The Queen was furious that her conga line had been disrupted by such a callous display of disrespect, that she ordered beheadings. Many beheadings. Dave and Nick were spared because the Queen shipped them, and afterall this had all eminated from what was the most ridiclulous mission imaginable, insisted upon by Boris himself, although how he had persuaded Queeny was to this day unknown. After all the decapetations had ceased, the Queen stopped for a cup of tea.

  "Won't you join me boys?" Dave fancied a cuppa himself, so he took a dainty curtsey and said "why of course, ma'am. What kind of biscuits are you serving?"

  "Only the finest Bourbons."

  "I'm in!" Cried Nick, hoping for crunchy biscuit goodness. They sat around a diddy little table and teapots arrived. David picked a pot to drink out of, and he couldn;t understand why it was so strangely shaped. Then suddenely it dawns on them that the teapot is , he blushes , THE GOLDEN BONE! "HALLELUJAH!" rejoices the Queen and Nick.

  The room shakes as BONE thunders through the tea party with doom, while Nick and Dave make their minds up about how to get back to the present time. "VWORP VWORP", said the TARDIS. Nick, Dave and the Coalition members all spun around to create a wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey votex which, as was pointed out , is not a "vortex"

  Abruptly they stopped and saw the Houses of Parliament, looking much newer than usual. What was that flying above their heads? A flying shark. A flying shark shaped like PETER BONE'S head. No, f*ck off, really? The mighty head of BONE commanded the coalition to dance the funky chicken like it was 1975~!

  "You mean I'm still not a dance sensation, Boneheaded shark?" Dave whined, pouting.

  Dave liked to boogie, on top of the table in his office, accompanied by dancing boys from the recent production of Swan THE MUSICAL who had been passing by. However today apparently Peter Mandelson's gang of evil puppies was on the move ready to kick some tail. The Boneheaded shark loomed over the puppies like Gargamel but oh those puppies were too cute to be evil! Then, Mandy himself unleashed a torrent of mind-blowing dance moves. FLASH! AAAAAAAH~ SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE. He strutted his stuff with might and power , winking at Dave as he twirled like a sweeping wave of dance amazement like a ballet dancing BAMF. David swooned and George reappeared in all his be-tied glory. "M.. Mandy...?" He took a step towards dancin' Mandy and gasped. "You look... you look spectacular.. and...young... nnnghhh.." David's heart exploded with the realisation that Mandy was as sparkly as George had appeared and therefore was very loveable he moved closer but George seemed suddenly appalled by this and sprang between them , shouting "What's all this rot then, ey?" because George was in love with the hypnotically dancing Mandy.

  Mandy didn't realise because he had been so at a dancing marathon that he was oblivious. The Queen looked up because she smelt NEW SHIPS! The Queen's Navy was her trusted band of employees who were packed into small rowboats. She intended to ask Mandy to the ball, but reconsidered as she had nothing to offer him in the form of a corsage. Instead, she turned to David and told him he wasn't welcome after his failure to marry Nick and get to the love-making already. David was sad, he had wanted to seduce Nick but he had not yet found the right moment. Nick was distracted by a particularly shiny tie. Nick liked ties. He liked them a lot. David was worried that Nick would become too distracted by the tie to listen to his neverending poems of love.

  "Here is a poem Nick and I need you to listen carefully or else I will die inside. Ok. I'll begin. Nick, you ignite the very depths of my mouth. My hands yearn for my dreams of touching your soft, beautiful elbows. They look as soft my policies, and as bony as..." Just then, the Queen screamed. "NOT THE BONE!!!!" Dave yelled from the bottom of his mouth, and ran swiftly towards the NEW SHIPS with Nick in tow, afterall he was about to propose to him and it would be rude to do so without him there. Worried as he was that THE BONE might swallow them he grabbed Nick's hand and tried to get back to his epic poem "Ahem- and as bony as ...y'know, that... thing. Oh yes, a bone! I'd like to kiss your tiny fruitbowl that you keep on top of the desk of your constituency office where we would eat strawberries , hopefully without choking slthough ..." David stuttered a little .

  "Love you as I do, Nick, THE BONE is getting leery so maybe you should appease him quickly before I continue?" Cameron gulped. Nick was shocked! He didn't fancy the thought of appeasing THE BONE or any other nasty evil Tory. He only wanted to appease Dave, however he did not know how.

  The Queen, still disappointed that David did not marry Nick, cried until she was all cried out. THE END.