One day there was a massive incident that forever besmirched the kingdom when an election was called to decide who would get to run all the way to Boots. A young man called Gideon decided that clearly cobblers were the reason for his loneliness. And since Boots was the source of boots (obviously!), that was where he found her baking a cobbler.

  She was the most beautifullest of all the cheese makers. Gideon was mesmerized by her enormous and heaving cheese bags and her odour of pure unadulterated brie. He took a step closer, reached out with one floppy arm to touch her Stinking Bishop with one bony finger and asked her, "why do you call it this?" She looked bemused and replied that it was obvious... "How dare you besmirch my cheese you pesky rodent!"

  Gideon was upset. Nobody had ever questioned his cheeseophilia until now, and he was falling for this pungent wench. The meaner she looked at him, the more he wanted her. "What's your name?"

  "Ermentrude," she replied.

  That is a lovely name, he said. "It reminds me of a pig I once knew and loved".

  "A pig???" She cried, aghast. "I don't understand why you'd say such a thing! I was going to ask about the big snout tattoo on your face but now I am too upset."

  Gideon felt guilty. He had not prepared for this conversation, and was desperate to impress the pig-like maiden he admired so. She knew nothing of his obsession with small but tasty fruits, so he was still pondering how such a conversation could make an advancement of his love, but he would have to give something more tasty and fruity if he was to Stilton her cracker. And he very much wanted to cheese things up.

  "What if I told you I had something tasty squirreled away?", he said, and pulled out a tupperware box containing soiled bananas and kiwis.

  "I'm not sure what to say!", she tittered. He smiled beguilingly before