meanwhile, on Twitter...

• Breaking Through The (not) Glass Ceiling
  10 October 2010 @ 18:16

  There are times in life when one is made to appreciate the little things. When a previously overlooked, seemingly unimportant part of the world suddenly takes on a new meaning and strange urgency.

  This week, that part of the world for me has been ceilings.

  Ceilings are almost the very definition of 'things that I don't think about'. As a general rule, I don't look up. I expect most people are the same in this respect, which is why it's so easy to capture them in net traps set up to fall in their hallways when they come home.

  Anyway. This week the ceiling in my bedroom decided that it wanted a change of perspective of its own, and would rather be on the floor, which forced me to contemplate the concept of the ceiling properly for the first time.

  Interestingly, it turns out that I have no idea how they work. Many people have asked me searching questions about water damage (there was none), joists (yep, some were there), plasterboard (not sure how that differs to plaster, I'm not convinced there even was any) and I have thus been forced to bluff my way through several conversations made up entirely of ceiling-based jargon in order not to appear an utterly incompetent failure of a human being.

  "Can you imagine not even knowing how ceilings work?! I mean, how does one even fall off in the first place! What an idiot!"

  I imagine people have been thinking things much along these lines. It would only be reasonable for them to do so, I'm sure.

  So. I've been living on the floor of the lounge for nearly ten days, and becoming increasingly obsessed by the slow state of ceiling repair, and dreaming of those halcyon days when I didn't think about ceilings at all.

  My dreams have been haunted by falling masonry, and I was forced to give up a playthrough of the Legend of Zelda when the floor in the temple rose up and attacked me as I feared it would make my nightmares even worse.

  Luckily I've discovered that my laptop works outdoors and so I'm writing this from the street. I think I can probably manage without going indoors anymore for a good few years, by which time I'm banking that ceiling technology will have improved to the point where this will never happen again.

  Otherwise, I think I've taken the experience rather well.

  I have to go now.

  It's starting to rain and I need the laptop for shelter.

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• Saints Alive!
  23 September 2010 @ 14:05

  Idea for a badass action film:

  Saints Alive!

  It's a dark and stormy night in Rome, and somewhere deep in the Vatican a religious experiment is going badly wrong...

  The world awakes to find that The Pope has accidentally (?) unleashed the Saints... and this time, they're out for revenge.

  Only one man can stand between the Saints and their mad lust for carnage. And - over ninety action splattered minutes - he will.

  Imagine epic battles with the biggest names in Saint-dom, each with their own special power and weakness. Picture the scene...

  St. Francis of Assisi is commanding armies of birds as he mercilessly destroys all in his path. Our hero is brought to his knees by the constant violent pecking, but somehow finds power within himself at the last moment, and convinces the birds to turn on their former master and shred St. Francis where he stands.

  Our hero looks up, shattered but ultimately triumphant as he surveys the many remains of St. Francis, and in his most badass voice delivers the immortal line:

  "Make me a channel of your PIECES, Francis."

  Eminently quotable, fantastically merchandiseable and with potential to grow into a blockbuster franchise. Loved by the religous - for its educational value ("I never even knew who St. Therese of Avila was, let alone how incredibly agile she must have been to deliver blows like that") - and the irreligious alike. It's sure to be a hit.

  Right?

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